Tales From a Console
by TitanWolf
Summary: join Bren and Russell as they play and review hit video games as well as have a few Family Guy moments of their own.
1. Headshot!

Tales From a Console

Chapter 1

**disclaimer i own nothing except OC's**

The scene opened to a knight warily approaching a dark and foreboding tower. Drawing his sword, he made his way inside. Turning quickly, he raised his shield just as two arrows struck it. Lowering the shield, the knight charged towards a pair of skeletons wielding bows. He decapitated the closest, before quickly slicing the second straight down the middle.

Picking up a bow and a quiver full of arrows he pressed on, eventually finding a set of stairs leading down into the earth. Reaching the bottom he continued down a long hallway, peeking around the corner he saw a shambling corpse further up the hall. Inching around he notched an arrow and pulled back. Before he could fire, the zombie turned to see him, and moaned loudly.

Almost immediately a swarm started to gather, cursing to himself, the knight let the arrow fly, hitting the moaning zombie in the head, killing it. Drawing his sword, the knight started hacking and slashing at the oncoming mass of flesh-eaters. Eventually he was backed into a corner. The large conclave of grabbing hands finally ripped his shield and sword from him, moments before the hoard engulfed, and devoured him.

YOU DIED

"Dammit!" Russell exclaimed, tossing the PS3 controller down. "This game fucking cheats!"

"Dude what's wrong?" Bren asked, as he came out of the kitchen, carrying a plate of pizza rolls. "Your not gonna get anywhere getting angry over dieing once. Let me try."

Russell begrudging handed the controller over to the other teen.

The wizard made it only slightly farther than the knight, but; was killed by a bolder dropped by a Cyclops.

"Your right this fucking game cheats!" Bren exclaimed, before turning the console off, and switching over to the Xbox 360. "Lets play some Halo Reach."

* * *

><p>Team Deathmatch!<p>

The round started, Bren in complete black armor, Russell in silver Elite armor.

"Why do you always pick Elite?" Bren asked. "Your just making yourself stick out more-"

He was cutoff by a sniper bullet blowing his head off. Russell quickly ran for cover, as Bren respawned.

"Alright who did that?" he asked, looking around. "I'm gonna find you, and when I-"

Once again, a sniper round nailed him between the eyes.

"Jeeze, talk about a bad start," Russell said, before moving along the wall. "I should start off by finding the douche sniping at us. Then me and Bren can-"

As he turned the corner, Russell was met by a Spartan in red and green armor, and a shotgun. He only had time to take a step back before the shotgun blast killed him.

Bren crouched behind cover, and waited for Russell to respawn. He didn't have to wait long before he was joined by the Elite.

"So how many guys we dealing with here?" Russell asked. "10? 50? 100?"

"2," Bren replied. "Its just two."

"What really?" Russell asked. "Who are they?"

"Here are their gamer tags," Bren said.

* * *

><p>Badd_Dogg_Novelist<p>

Future_Overlord_01

* * *

><p>"Those aren't as cool as ours," Russell replied.<p>

* * *

><p>Vast Germ<p>

Titanwolf89

* * *

><p>"Do they have mics?" Russell asked, as a bullet whizzed by his head.<p>

"Hold on, let me un mute them," Bren said, several seconds passed before they picked up chatter from their opponents.

"Brian, I'll keep them pinned down from up here," one of them said ."You circle around and finish them."

"Why do I have to do it?" the other asked. "Why can't I snipe them and you go down and finish them?"

"Because I said so that's why!" the first exclaimed.

Russell and Bren peaked over to see the two arguing about who would snipe.

"Ok there's 30 seconds left on the clock," Bren said. "We just need to kill them both with one shot to win. Think you can distract them long enough for me to get into position?"

"Of course," Russell said. "Remember, I'm the guy who caught Sneakers O'Toole.

* * *

><p>[cutaway]<p>

"I'm not taking my sneakers off I am Sneakers O'Toole," Sneakers sang as he walked down the sidewalk.

"Hey take those sneakers off!" Russell ordered, as he and another man in a suit blocked Sneaker's way.

"No!" he replied.

"Take those sneakers off!" Russell ordered again.

"No!" Sneakers shouted, before running past them. As Russell made to follow the other man grabbed his arm.

"We won't catch him in these flat shoes," he said, as Russell pulled his arm free.

"The hell we won't!" Russell exclaimed, reaching into his jacket he pulled out a pistol, aimed, and fired several shots, a thump was heard.

[cutaway over]

* * *

><p>"Oh crap that cutaway took too long!" Bren exclaimed. "We only have 5 seconds!"<p>

Tossing a grenade, the two watched as it landed right between the other two Spartans, who looked down at it.

"Brian,"

"Yeah,"

"You fucking suck,"

The grenade went off, killing both of them.

GAME OVER

* * *

><p>"We won!" Bren exclaimed, jumping up. "Dude we totally -"<p>

Russell saw a look of horror cross Bren's face. Looking to the window, he saw a girl's head peeking up over the sill, her eyes were looking at Bren with lust and wanting.

"I'll take care of her," Russell said, as he stood up, he walked over to the window. "Bye Di."

Pulling the board from the window, he watched as it slammed shut. Di screamed, and her head disappeared from the window. A thud was heard followed by a car horn blaring, and several sounds of car crashes.

"You think she's gone for good this time?" Bren asked.

"I doubt it," Russell replied. "Remember when we locked her in the trunk of your mom's car and pushed it into the river? or the time we tied her to the track tracks and left her there? And the time we covered her in honey and tossed her into the grizzly bear enclosure at the zoo?"

"Your right," Bren said. "She'll be back before dinner."

END CHAPTER 1

_the first two gamer tags were fake, the other two were Bren Tenkage's and mine in that order, add us on XBL and we'll beat your asses at whatever game you pick._

_also, if you can name the first game in the chapter you get to pick what game we review next chapter._


	2. Game Review Fools!

**Tales From a Console**

**Chapter 2**

**DISCLAIMER I OWN NOTHING! EXCEPT OC'S**

The scene opened to Bren sitting on the couch, his eyes were covered by bloody gauze.

"Hello, originally I was supposed to review Fallout New Vegas," Bren said. "But; unfortunately I accidentally walked in on Russell having sex with Meg Griffin, and as you can see, it was so horrifying I had to gouge out my own eyes."

"Dude, it wasn't that bad," Russell said, as he sat down beside his friend.

"I saw your…. eeewww! I can still see it in my mind!" Bren shrieked, as he jumped up and ran.

"Watch out for the-" Bren screamed again as he fell head over heels down the stairs. "Stairs. Oh yeah, he's blind. Anyway since he's seriously injured, probably….. Ok he's really hurt. But; I'm going to review my new favorite game Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3."

"No your not," Russell looked to see Stewie Griffin, holding up a familiar PS2 game. "Your going to review the Family Guy Game."

Stewie tossed him the game before hopping up to sit beside Russell.

"No I'm not I already said I'm-" he was interrupted by Stewie drawing a pistol and putting it against his head. "Going to review the Family Guy Game."

* * *

><p><strong>GAME REVIEW!<strong>

"Developed by High Voltage Software and published by 2K Games and Fox Interactive, it was released on October 16th, 3 days before my 17th birthday, so that's why I hadn't heard of it until seeing it at Walmart the following Sunday after its release and-"

"Skip the monologue and get going!" Stewie shouted, putting the gun to Russell's head again.

"Anyway, you play as either Peter, Brian or Stewie, with classic cutaway gags put in across the levels," Russell said. "As Peter you rampage all over town looking for Mr. Belvedere, who he suspects kidnapped his family. Brian has been accused of getting Sea Breeze pregnant and gets locked up by Joe, I honestly didn't think dogs could go to jail for getting another dog knocked up."

"Its complicated," Stewie replied. "Keep going or you die."

"Stewie meanwhile shrinks down and enters Peter's body chasing Bertram, trying to stop him from launching a rocket that will broadcast mind control waves over the world," Russell said. "Hey, why didn't you ever think of that? You could've ordered the rest of the family to kill Lois anyway you wanted."

Stewie looked to be in deep thought, before glaring and pistol whipping Russell.

"That's why!" Stewie exclaimed, as Russell began to sob, and blood began to seep through his fingers. "Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!"

Russell sniffed and fought back a sob.

"This….. This is weirder than the time me and Bren were sucked into Fallout 3," Russell said.

* * *

><p><strong>[cutaway]<strong>

The game opened to Russell and Bren sprinting across the wasteland, followed by a massive youki. Russell looked over his shoulder at the mutant bear as Bren fumbled with reloading his rifle.

"Reload!"

"What the hell do you think I've been trying to do? Knit?" Bren yelled, as he, not paying attention, tripped over a rock, causing him to stumble, and Russell to slam into him, knocking the two to the ground, and sending the rifle flying away from them. The two hugged each other as the youki approached. "Looks like this is the end buddy, I want you to know, I've always thought you were the better Halo player."

"Bren, I banged your mom while you were away at college," Russell said, causing Bren to stare at him in shock.

"What?"

As the youki stood up on two legs, a gunshot rang out, seconds before the mutant's head exploded. Looking back they saw a guy dressed in in a duster and a fedora, a scoped rifle resting on his shoulder.

"Who are you?" Bren asked.

"They call me the mysterious stranger, hehehehehehehe," he said, before running off.

"Was that?" Russell asked.

"Just go with it," Bren said.

**[cutaway over]**

* * *

><p>Russell had regained his composure and wiped the dried blood from his face.<p>

"Ok now lets move onto the negatives for the game," he was stopped by Stewie putting the gun to his head again.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Who said anything about negatives?" Stewie asked, pressing the barrel of the gun harder against Russell's head.

"As I was saying, there are no negatives, this game the greatest and most perfect game ever made and ever will be made," Russell said.

"Good job," Stewie said, before pistol whipping Russell again, causing him to fall forward, and bounce off of the coffee table. Stewie looked around, before taking Russell's wallet, and taking all the cash out. "This should cover my guest appearance fee. By the way, your probably not gonna hear this but; Meg has been telling people that you two are doing it like rabbits, I don't know if you are or not, but; she's planning to move in so, good luck buddy."

Hopping down Stewie walked down the stairs, hopping over Bren who was crumpled in an awkward position at the bottom, and crying.

"Who's there? Help me! Someone call an ambulance," he sobbed. "I can't feel my legs."

"Jeeze you look worse than Peter did after he was sucked into Fallout 3," Stewie said.

* * *

><p><strong>[cutaway]<strong>

"They call me the mysterious stranger, hehehehehehehe," Peter laughed as he ran away. Running down the hill he kept laughing until he tripped over his own feet. He rolled down to the bottom, his legs were pointing in different directions and one of his shoulders was ripped out of socket. "Oh my god! Ow! Oh god this hurts! Somebody help! Where's the mysterious stranger when you- oh yeah that's right."

A rustling in the bushes drew his attention. He looked to see a mangy dog step out into the open.

"Oh thank god Dog Meat! you came to save me! Quick boy! Pull me to Megaton so I can get- oh wait I made the bomb explode, well, uh….. Pull me somewhere close by," Peter said, he held out his hand as the dog approached, it sniffed his hand, before leaping at his throat and attacking him. "Your not Dog Meat! Your not Dog Meat at all! your another dog! Oh god where's Brian when you actually need him for something!"

**[cutaway over]**

* * *

><p>"Well you guys have fun living with Meg," Stewie said. "Your gonna need all the help you can get."<p>

**CHAPTER 2 END**


	3. Dragonborn!

**Tales From a Console**

**Chapter 3**

_Merry Christmas! this is my present to all of my readers_

The scene opened to Meg cooking in the kitchen, and wearing a football jersey. Bren walked in, still half asleep.

"Mornin," he mumbled, opening the fridge he pulled out the milk and began drinking straight from the carton.

"You shouldn't do that," Meg said. "Other people have to use that milk too."

Bren grumbled as he put the milk back, he turned to Meg and opened his eyes, only to quickly cover them immediately.

"Put some pants on for zombie Jesus sake!" Bren said. "I don't need to see your snatch!"

"But I'm wearing underwear," she said, lifting the jersey up to show off a blue thong. "See?"

Bren lowered his hands, before immediately grabbing the trashcan and throwing up. After 5 minutes he finally stopped.

"That….. Was more disturbing," Bren said. "Then the bear hunting contest I had with Russ."

* * *

><p><strong>[Cutaway]<strong>

The scene opened to Bren kneeling beside a huge Grizzly bear as Russell stood nearby.

"40 minutes and 26 seconds," Bren said. "Beat that."

Russell reached into his pocket and pulled out a match, after striking it he tossed it onto a pile of leaves. Almost immediately they caught fire, and was quickly put out by a large bear wearing jeans, boots and a ranger's hat.

"Only you can prevent-" he was cut off by Russell raising his gun and firing.

"30 seconds," Russell said. "I win."

**[Cutaway End]**

* * *

><p>"Good morning Bren," Russell said, as he walked in and slapped Meg's ass. "And good morning to you Meg."<p>

"Good morning honey," she replied, turning around and pulling Russell into a soft kiss. Bren looked away, and gagged.

"Alright enough with the mushy stuff," Bren said. "Lets go play some Skyrim."

"Right behind ya," Russell said, as he turned and looked at Bren he stopped in his tracks. "Dude…. When did you get fat?"

Bren stopped and looked at his friend like he was stupid.

"I'm not fat what are you talking about- oh my god!" Bren shouted, looking down at his rounded belly poking out from under his tshirt. "What the hell happened to me?"

"You look pregnant," Meg said, walking over and putting her ear against his belly. "I can hear a tiny heartbeat."

At this Russell started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Bren asked.

"Your preggers!" Russell exclaimed, as he broke out in a fit of laughter.

"Do you have any idea how this happened?" Meg asked.

"Well, I did go over to that dragon's house for drinks the other night," Bren said.

* * *

><p><strong>[Cutaway]<strong>

The scene opened to Bren sitting on a couch next to a large black and red dragon.

"Hey thanks again for inviting me over Gary," Bren said. "This was really nice."

"Don't mention it buddy, glad you could be here. Let me get you some more wine," Gary said, before taking Bren's glass and going into the kitchen. Looking around briefly, Gary dropped a blue pill into Bren's glass before filling it up, and heading back. "Here you go Bren. Hey, I bet you can drink that in one go."

"I'll show you," Bren said, before tipping the glass straight up, and emptying the wine glass in one swallow. "See, told you I could do it."

Almost immediately, Bren passed out and fell onto the floor.

"Dear diary, Jackpot!" Gary said, grabbing Bren by the legs he began to hum porn music as he dragged the drugged man towards the bedroom.

**[Cutaway end]**

* * *

><p>Russell and Meg sat on the couch making out, as he slid his hand up under her shirt Russell was startled by a scream from the bathroom. Jumping up, the two ran to find a large blue egg with red spots sticking up out of the toilet. Bren sat on the edge of the tub, his pants still around his ankles.<p>

"I feel like I just took a huge dump and was anally raped at the same time, "he said. "Can you pass the toilet paper, my ass is still bleeding really bad."

As Meg handed Bren a roll of teepee, Russell looked down at the egg, and watched as it started to move.

Soon cracks started to appear, and before long the egg burst open to reveal a hideous, man/dragon thing. The abomination started to shriek and writhe as it fell out onto the floor. The three humans screamed and quickly started stomping and kicking the freak baby, before long it finally shut up and stopped moving.

"That was more shocking than when Pikachu finally snapped," Russell said.

* * *

><p><strong>[Cutaway]<strong>

The scene opened to Ash and Pikachu facing off against another trainer and his Venasaur.

"Pikachu use Quick attack!" Ash ordered, before Pikachu shot forward towards the grass Pokemon.

"Venasaur use Solarbeam!" the other trainer ordered. The grass Pokemon charged up and fired, slamming into Pikachu, sending the mouse Pokemon skidding back.

"Oh god my knee!" Pikachu shouted, clutching his knee. "This hurts so bad!"

"Are you ok Pikachu?" Ash asked.

"Do I look ok to you? You moron!" Pikachu exclaimed. "Why won't you evolve me?"

"I love you Pikachu,"

"Then why won't you feed me Tauros meat or something?" Pikachu asked. "I need nourishment all you feed me are those fucking poffins!"

"We don't kill Pokemon-"

"We do it for you dumbass!" Pikachu roared. "You wanna know why you never win any league you enter? Because you use the weak pussy Pokemon you catch before you enter!"

"Well that's because I want my team to do their best and-"

"Their best? They fucking suck! Here's an idea for you, use Pokemon you've trained already! How about you bring Charizard and let him beat the shit out of everyone instead of using me all the time with a bunch of retarded low level Pokemon!"

"Well that wouldn't be fair to the other trainers Pikachu -"

"Fair! They use their Pokemon they've already trained, and you're the retard with the pathetic team that gets knocked out every time, every goddamn time!" Pikachu shouted. "And another thing! Why do you always travel with little girls? Why not hook up with a chick over 18 with a huge rack that I can snuggle between and get my rocks off in?"

"Uh…. Well…."

"You know what? Forget it! I've had enough of this shit!" Pikachu said, before turning to the other trainer. "Hey buddy you traveling with anybody?"

"Totally, I'm traveling with this pair of Swedish twins-"

"Say no more!" Pikachu said, before turning back to Ash, and leveling him with a thunderbolt. "I hope you get nut cancer and anally raped by a Aggron! Later fucktard!"

**[Cutaway end]**

* * *

><p>Bren went to pick up the egg in the toilet, and quickly dropped it on the floor, smashing it, and revealing a little blue and black dragon. Picking the tiny thing up he petted it as it licked his cheek.<p>

"I think I'll call you Spike," Bren said.

**END CHAPTER 3**


End file.
